


Second Rate

by weirnhunter



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-31
Updated: 2012-07-31
Packaged: 2017-11-11 02:47:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/473646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weirnhunter/pseuds/weirnhunter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I needed this attention, I needed this feeling, this moment and I knew Alec did too. Maybe gender really didn’t matter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Second Rate

**Author's Note:**

> Whoa, I wrote this forever ago for a birthday present for a friend back in high school. I'm in the process of moving all of my stuff from FF over to here, so I hope you enjoy.

"What's terrible is to pretend that the second-rate is first-rate, that you don't need love when you do," – Doris Lessing.

I couldn't take it anymore, any of it. How she looked at him and how he looked at her, it was nauseating.

It just wasn't effing fair. I was Clary's best friend. I was the one who had always been there for her. I was the one who had always loved her. He had just waltzed in a week ago, all smart remarks and acidic sarcasm. What had he done to deserve her affection?

Not that it mattered what he did or didn't do. She couldn't keep her eyes off of him, nor could he quit showing off for her. I could swear that once or twice when I had been in a room with them I could physically feel the lack of air. It was all being pushed out to make room for all the unbridled hormones racing between them.

It made me sick.

That night I really couldn't take it.

I pushed out the Institute's front door and plunged out into the night, breathing in a deep breath of cool air. Oddly enough, I felt slightly better. It was as if the entire world of the Shadowhunters had been suffocating me and just being in the normal, familiar, Mundie World made me feel like I had a slightly tighter grip on reality. Then again, maybe it was just the hormones again.

I paused on the stoop. I had no idea what to do or where to go. Tonight I was staying at the Institute, no way around it at this point. Earlier I had called my mom and told her I was at Eric's, then called Eric and told him that for all intensive purposes, I was spending the night at his house. He had agreed with a smirk in his voice and wished me luck.

Obviously he had assumed where I would be spending the night and was very much mistaken. Better than him figuring out the truth though.

Blindly I turned right and started walking.

Going too far was a bad idea, I knew, and one that would result in getting yelled at by multiple Shadowhunters, and I really didn't feel like dealing with their condescending scolding at the moment.

And then there it was, just calling out to me in open invitation. An alley way.

I wasn't sure why I felt so compelled to the little alley running adjacent to the Institute and probably should have been more wary, considering everything that had happened in the past few days. At that exact moment though, I couldn't care less about demons and vampires.

The shadows absorbed me almost immediately. It felt good; like a bit of the weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Though, after learning of an entire world made of shadows it should have stood to reason that the sun should be the one to ease my mind. Reason didn't hold much water with me anymore.

Sliding down the wall beside a tower of discarded cardboard boxes I closed my eyes, spreading out on the cold pavement. Raising my face to the moonlight I hit my head against the wall.

My thoughts all welled up at once; pulled from my heart up into my throat and behind my eyes. All the looks he gave her, all the ones she returned. Their playfulness, her admiration, his determination, everything he was and I wasn't. It all pushed forward in one wave of depression and acceptance. There just wasn't a point. Whether I surrendered or not, he would kill me. It was putting a house cat against a tiger. I didn't stand a chance against Jace Wayland, no matter how hard I fought.

"What are you doing out here Mundie?"

My eyes snapped open to a blurry world as I dropped my gaze to the other wall across from me. I snarled back in agitation upon realizing who it was.

"You guys are just everywhere aren't you? Can't get a moment alone." I heard the slight quiver in my voice, and I knew he must have too.

Alec Lightwood stared hard back at me, his eyes glints of ice in the shadows. The moonlight didn't touch him from where he was curled up. I had missed him at first, his clothes and hair blended right in with the shadows. His pale face stood out though, a ghost of a color against the grainy wall behind him.

"I was here first, Mundane." He retorted coolly back at me.

"Well if you want me out you're going to have to move me yourself." I knew he probably could and really hoped he didn't take me up on that offer. "For now you can just share your sulking space." His eyes narrowed in the dark, but I knew he couldn't deny it. He had been sulking as well. His knees were pulled up close to his chest, his arms wrapped around them.

Trying to block out his presence I closed my eyes again. "And my name is Simon, not Mundane," I snapped suddenly. Couldn't any of them remember my name? I wondered how they would respond to Smartass Shadowhunter, Gay Shadowhunter and Female Shadowhunter.

Well, Jace would probably laugh, Alec would kill me and Isabelle would slap me. Still, the principle remained.

Slamming my head back against the wall I was rewarded with a satisfying pounding in my skull. I did it again and was amazed at how far it went helping me feel better. Nothing good could possibly come from self injury, even if it was far from a knife to my wrist, but it helped get rid of the images of Clary and Jace chasing one another around in my head.

It was, instead, filling it with a dull euphoria of sorts, an obscure release. And if I opened my eyes I was greeted by a few fleeting stars dancing around the corners of my vision.

"What are you doing?" Came an exasperated sigh from across the alley.

Involuntarily I felt my face scrunch up in annoyance. Opening my eyes again I felt a little dizzy as those lovely stars tickled the corners of my eyes, making it difficult to focus straight ahead. For a fraction of a second I could have sworn I saw a flash of white in the shadow of his face, a smile. But maybe not. Once everything came into focus his face was drawn in studious curiosity.

"What are you doing?" I quipped back, realizing instantly how stupid that sounded but trying to keep up the façade that I found it witty.

He snorted a laugh and I thought I saw him roll his eyes before completely ignoring my question. We lapsed into an uneasy silence. I felt compelled to say something.

"Where does he get off?" I snapped finally, glaring hard at Alec as if this were his fault.

"Where does who get off doing what?"

"Jace," I snarled like he should have known this. I knew I was probably treading on thin ice, this was Jace's parbati I was speaking with after all, and his secret admirer. A secret admirer with a lot of very pointy weapons currently hanging from his belt. "Freaking dragging Clary around behind him likes she's his new pet. He's just going to dump her when he's done and leave her crushed." I knew it wasn't true, even as I said it, he had no plans of leaving her, and that was the problem.

"He's not going to leave her." His voice was dull and defeated. "Only if she leaves him."

There was a long pause. "She's not going to leave him."

In the shadows he shifted. "This is all your fault you know." His accusation startled me.

"My fault?" I echoed too perplexed to even sound angry.

"Yes, if you were dating Clary, none of this would have ever happened."

For a good minute I was too stunned to say anything. I tried twice to speak but found no words came out. On the third attempt I managed it. "Well maybe if you were dating Jace, none of this would have happened!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He was on his feet before I had even realized he had moved, more venom in his voice than I had thought possible.

Not to be outdone, I jumped to my feet as well. "You know what I mean," my voice fell in pitch to what I tried to pull off as a menacing growl. Some distant part of logic in my head was appalled at my display. Did I want to die in a back alley tonight?

Maybe.

"No, I don't." His voice was low and feral, the tone I had tried and failed to pull off. The hairs on the back of my neck were rising and there was a prickling down my spine. The whole situation was starting to feel less like I was arguing with another teenager and more like I was poking an already wounded tiger with a stick.

I was terrified, but something inside of me snapped and I felt it difficult to feel anything at that exact moment.

"God, your entire life is just made up of denial isn't it? That's the only way you hold it together." My brain was fumbling for the breaks on the mouth, frantically trying to stop myself, but I was on a collision course. "How long do you think you can do that? How long do you think you can pretend it doesn't bother you to see Clary and Jace together?"

"Of course it bothers me," he was seething now, speaking at hardly above a whisper "all she does is put him in danger."

"Well yes," I rolled my eyes "the mundane human girl who's mother was just kidnapped is putting your homicidal Demon Hunter in quite a lot of danger recently, but that's not the real reason you hate her so much."

"Isn't it?" I wasn't even sure if that was what he said. He hardly sounded human anymore. Whatever he had said it was definitely a threat, begging me to give him a reason to tear that metaphorical stick out of my hands and rip my throat out.

Say nothing, nothing. My sensibility was screaming at me to concede, back down. This wasn't a fight I could possibly win.

"You hate her because you wish you were her."

One poke too many.

I was on the ground before I realized he had moved. The blow was to my collarbone, sending my shoulder blades down first onto the concrete before the rest of my back and my skull followed suit with a series of sickening cracks. My world exploded in red as the pain raced through my skeleton, jarring my teeth and curling my toes all in the same instant. Instinctively my eyes closed tight, trying to block out the pain, trying to ignore his weight still pressing me down, holding me where I lay.

"F-" The curse died on my breath. I couldn't breathe.

Instantly I was groping at my throat, trying to dislodge the force pressing down against my windpipe as I struggled to breath around it. I kicked and clawed but Alec wasn't budging.

He was a black silhouette against the night sky, blocking out the moon and the stars, holding me captive with his forearm braced against my throat. I tried to reach for his throat. It seemed the best place to go at the moment, or maybe knee him in the groin, but all plans seemed void. The shadowhunter had all of his bases covered. I couldn't get to him anywhere. I was helpless underneath him.

Nothing else to do, nowhere else to look, I met his eyes. They were a glint of blue in the dark shadows of his face. I wasn't sure what I expected to find there; venom? Sadistic pleasure? Satisfaction?

Alec's expression was grim, but there was no malice. All I could see was pain, pain and fear. For the first time I felt the tremor running down his arm where he held me. He was on the brink of losing it, if I hadn't already pushed him over the edge.

We had no common ground, Alec and I. We were two entirely different people from entirely different worlds. He fought everyday of his life just to stay alive and the only battles I had ever fought were on the computer. He never laughed, hardly smiled and no one ever understood his rare jokes, but at that very instant, I was pretty sure I had never felt closer to someone.

I stopped fighting and let my muscles go slack. His arm loosed on my throat and I could breathe once more as he leaned back, giving me room. Desperately I wanted to say something, anything, but it was taking all of my energy just to refill my lungs at the moment. All I could do was pant and wheeze.

It appeared that was all he could do, too, as he didn't even stand up, just hovered over me with his knees still placed on either side of my hips.

With a final gasping breath I raised myself up on my elbows, meeting his eyes in the darkness once more. "Look, about Jace-"

No sooner had his name left my mouth that Alec's hand whipped across my face with a resounding slap through the alley. For a moment I stared at the alley wall, head spinning, trying to catch up to what had just happened. He had hit me hard enough to hurt, though I knew it was nothing compared to what he could do to me. My face could be splattered across the concrete in a second if I made him mad enough, instead I would just have an angry red mark.

It was a warning.

I didn't move my head, didn't dare to make any sudden moves at all. Through my peripheral vision I stared at him. Swallowing hard I closed my eyes, bracing for another blow. "Ok, Ok. I know what I said was stupid. You can obviously kill me, we both know that. I'm just upset, and I know you are too." Involuntarily my face twitched, anticipating another strike. All was quiet.

Cautiously I cracked open an eyelid, he didn't look as upset before, he was just listening. Still, I would have felt better if he would have let me up. Quietly I swallowed and raised myself up higher. "Look Alec," I searched his eyes hesitantly, ready to duck at any moment "I understand. You have to know that."

I searched his face intently, looking for any sign of recognition, any sign of a truce but he was so still that if it weren't for the light rise and fall of his chest I wouldn't have known he was breathing. "I know what it feels like. I know what you're going through. I know what it's like to always be there for someone, to be the only one who was always there and who always cared. To be the one who picked them up when they fell down even if they didn't notice half the time when you were down." I paused, a crack in my voice. I felt very silly, confessing my innermost problems and pains to a kid who was a second away from trying to kill me.

"I…I just get it, alright? I've been there, I am there. I understand." I whispered the last word, trying to force it across just how much alike we were. That I wasn't trying to make fun of him or hurt him, because I was in just as much pain. "Gender has nothing to do with it." I assured after a pause, trying to make it clear that I had no prejudices or qualms about his particular situation. Love was love after all.

He didn't say anything, just looked at me. Everything seemed so still in the silence. I could hear every individual breath he and I took, could feel the cold, grainy concrete pressing against my back and his warm weight pressing down on my legs and stomach. The only movement was his chest and mine, the minuscule twitches of his bottom lip as he inhaled and the tips of his hair wavering in an almost nonexistent breeze.

I searched his face, watched the rise and fall of his chest, watched those strands of hair dance, counted the breaths on his lips, anything to delay looking into his eyes. It was inevitable though, eventually I had to meet his eyes. They were nearly invisible, hidden in the shadows cast by his dark hair, but somehow I felt like I could make out every detail. How could eyes even be that blue? It just didn't seem fair. He may have thought that Jace was the only one, but I was certain that if he tried, he could have any gay boy in the city with those eyes alone.

Subtly taking my bottom lip between my teeth I met his gaze as steadily as I could, though it was hard. His stare was unwavering and probing. For a moment I had the ridiculous thought that he was stripping me down, of my clothes, of my flesh, of my bones and down deeper. It made me feel naked and uncomfortable, but I just couldn't break his gaze.

Finally he looked down and I let out a breath I hadn't known I had been holding.

"You understand?" His question was hardly louder than his breath.

I nodded and his eyes were less hard, more accepting. They dropped down again, this time to my mouth. Embarrassed, I realized I was still biting my lip and I let it free, trying to hold up the sad façade that I was feeling perfectly confident.

Alec blinked once, slowly.

I flinched but didn't move away when he reached for my face, unsure of what he was doing. The pads of his fingers were as cold as the ground and I gasped when they brushed the sides of my jaw. I meant to ask what he was doing, what was going on, but the words were lost as he trailed his fingers upward, over my cheeks, up the curve of my ears and through my hair until his palms rested flat on my cheeks.

I couldn't move, I had literally forgotten how as he leaned closer and closer. His breath was hot on my mouth for a second and then he closed the distance. Never could I say what exactly I expected at that moment, probably for him to kiss me and me to freeze in terror. Maybe if that was what he had done the entire night would have gone differently.

Instead he ducked his head and slid his teeth across my bottom lip, fitting them exactly where I had mine just a moment before. I gasped and he bit down gently, closing his lips around mine and pulling. Then his tongue was there, tracing and teasing as he sucked on my lip. My breath was coming in heavy waves and my hand was shaking where I was clutching his forearm-when had I grabbed him?-I didn't know what to do but somehow pulling away didn't seem like an option.

He leaned back his head, until his mouth closed around air and my lip was bare once more. My eyes flew open, I didn't remember closing them. I must have looked a sight, my face was burning and my eyes were so wide it was almost painful.

What was there to say?

I floundered for words, what? How? Why? Huh? I couldn't even begin to sort out the sounds in my head.

His fingers inched behind my ears, easing my glasses forward and down my nose. He seemed so confident as he pulled them off of my face and folded them neatly, placing them beside us. Alec would have been the picture of certainty, if it hadn't been for the tremors running through his hands.

Finally, I found my voice. "What-" I lost it just as quickly as he pressed his body against mine, forcing me off of my elbow and flat on my back. His hair was everywhere, breaking the sky into fragments. There wasn't a part of me that wasn't touching him as he pressed us close together, holding me between himself and the ground.

"You understand me, and I understand you. Trust me, we both need this." My fingers were digging into his arms, his breath hot on my ear. Still my mind was nowhere near caught up. I felt his lips curve in a smile. "Gender has nothing to do with it, right?"

And then his lips were on mine and his hands were in my hair and on my side and my mind was reeling. Through the cloud of my confusion some things were starting to click and yet, there was still no decision made, no conclusion reached. Part of my mind was having trouble accepting what was going on, unable to comprehend that I was letting it happen and yelling at me to just push him off and run. Though there was another part, an idea steadily increasing in sensibility, that was quieting the other part, because Alec was warm and his mouth was soft and his hair smelled good.

How many times had I just laid in bed and thought about Clary? About what it would feel like to kiss her like this or to hold her in my arms? How long had I just sat and thought about what it would be like if she showed me any sort of affection that wasn't just brotherly or friendly?

And now there was Alec, his lips working against mine just the same way that I had always imagined; it was just the wrong person. Maybe though, it didn't matter. I needed this attention, I needed this feeling, this moment and I knew Alec did too. Maybe gender really didn't matter.

I pushed back, kissing him with every ounce of energy I had put into my sad little fantasies of Clary and I released his arms, winding them instead around his back and pulling him tight.

Alec responded without hesitation, his kisses were more urgent, tugging and teasing at my lips and forcing in his tongue. I didn't fight back, but met him equally, letting him take me where he wanted.

His tongue was demanding, pressing against my lips and teeth until I let him in. I tensed again and gasped as his tongue slid along mine, persuading and exploring. He made a low noise in his throat that could have been a laugh or moan, I wasn't sure, but it brought a fresh wave of heat to my face. Unconcerned he slid his thumb under my chin, angling my mouth so he could kiss me harder.

I still wasn't sure what to do. I had made my resolution to let him continue, had decided that I wanted this, but it didn't mean I knew what to do back. Not wanting to just lay there I traced my fingers across his back, up his shoulder blades and down the curve of his lower back. I couldn't bring myself to stray further than his belt.

He arched under my touches, his back curving up off of me before settling back down again. I was hardly focused on our kissing, too preoccupied by the light, unconscious movements his body made against mine. With every shift and every breath he took, I could feel his muscles move beneath his sweater.

It was such an odd feeling, kissing another boy. Not that I had had much experience with girls, but I had become familiar with fantasies of Clary with her soft and small frame, her delicate features and smooth skin. Never could I begin to pretend to mistake Alec for Clary.

Alec's shoulders were broader than mine, holding me in place under his greater weight. His hands were big and scattered with scars across his palms. His mouth was forceful and dominating, leaving no question for who was in charge. It was so different and so wrong from everything I had ever imagined and yet…it wasn't awful. Not even a little bit.

It certainly wasn't turning me on though. No, that wasn't the purpose of this. It had nothing to do with the person whose tongue was in my mouth, but rather with the fact that there was a tongue in my mouth, that I was finally getting the attention I had been craving.

No, it didn't matter how good looking Alec was, or how blue his eyes were or how much muscle he had. God, all that muscle…

My fingers slid across his back until I was gripping his forearms again, though this time it had nothing to do with necessity. He pulled back from my mouth, kissing the corner roughly as he prepared to say something, but as he did so, he shifted his weight again. His hips shifted across mine perfectly, too perfectly and an electric spark shot through my body.

My fingers dug into his arms and my one leg pulled up of its own accord as I shivered. "Alec," his name flew out of my mouth in a half moan, half gasp. I was too hyped up to be embarrassed, my emotions and hormones were running so fast that there wasn't room to feel anything or to think anything that wasn't Alec.

He paused where he was, his lips still half pressed to mine, panting against my mouth. In his stillness I could have sworn I felt his heart, hammering just as spastically as mine, against my chest. I tried to regulate my breathing, finding myself on the verge of hyperventilating, and wishing he would do something, anything.

Alec just lay half on top of me. His eyes were glued to mine though I wouldn't look at him. Maybe I had gone too far, maybe hearing my voice say his name like that, mine and not Jace's, had brought him back to reality. I closed my eyes tight, half in prayer.

I wasn't ready for reality yet.

A shuddering, finalizing breath from him made me open my eyes and look at him. I expected an explosion or worse, a rejection, but his eyes were closed and he moved back to my mouth. His kiss was different now. It was more measured, slower. Alec's tongue was lighter and less demanding, but there was something dangerous about it. It was like that metaphorical tiger was back and on a very short and very thin leash. He was holding himself back.

It scared me, this new contained calm of his but my breath was quickening and my heart was pounding faster than ever. It was…intriguing, this reserve of his. I wondered for how long had he liked Jace? How long had he waited for this moment, for another boy to say his name like that? From the shaking of his hands and strain of his muscle, I assumed a very long time.

My mind's wanderings were cut short as he pushed his hands under my shirt, running his fingers across my abdomen. I gasped and my muscles jerked and tensed away from the freezing, ghosting touch. It was difficult to breath, let alone speak and I was making awkward half strangled gasps, but I couldn't help it.

He pulled my shirt up with his thumbs, his cold fingers mixing with the chilling air. Involuntarily I flexed away from the cold, every part of me demanding that I move, but I forced myself still. Alec moved slowly up my chest, too slowly. It tickled so bad that it hurt and I was biting my lip to keep from making any more noise.

His fingers dipped down, trailing across my sides and stifled a giggle. There was a smile on his face that said he knew anyway. I gasped as his fingers jabbed the back of my ribs, pressing for me to sit up. Obediently I did, maneuvering so he could pull my shirt off. For an awkward moment we were tangled and caught before he finally pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it aside.

The night air hit me instantly and I sucked in a deep breath between my clenched teeth. I was shivering, hard. My teeth clacked together despite my attempts to hold them still as I looked back up at Alec. He was completely still, just looking straight at me, his hands at his sides.

Half self-consciously and half out of a need for warmth I crossed my arms across my chest tightly. I tried not to think about what Alec was probably thinking. He had been fantasizing about Jace for so long now, maybe, possibly, he might have been able to pretend that was who he was with before. It was hard though now, considering I had a slightly different build than Jace did.

I wasn't fat and I wasn't grotesquely skinny, but I wasn't really much to look at. I didn't have any exotic tattoos or battle scars. And certainly I had no muscle, nothing that anyone would ever find of interest. I was just kind of…there.

Damn Jace. I had never really been self-conscious before. Never really thought about if I was good looking enough or muscular enough or manly enough. I'd always thought I was alright. Then he showed up with his perfect golden hair that no matter how messy it got it just looked great and his bright gold eyes and his perfect face and his perfect build and his perfect everything. How the hell was I supposed to compete with that?

Now here I was, the second place, runner up prize behind Jace. Not good enough to be first and I knew that was all Alec was thinking right now.

I jolted as his hand touched my face, swiping his thumb just beneath my eye. It took me a moment to realize that he was brushing away a tear. My face burned even harder in humiliation.

Way to go Simon.

His palm trailed across my cheek, dipping under my chin and pulling my face back up. Alec's lips were softer and slower on mine this time, reassuring and appreciative. I didn't move my hands, but moved my lips in response.

He pulled away a fraction of an inch, my eyes were still closed and his breath was still on my mouth. "I know."

I squeezed my eyes tighter, I just couldn't open them. I knew the world would be blurred with tears.

He pressed against my chest, forcing me back and down to the ground. Unthinking I moved with him until my shoulder blades brushed the cold cement. With a yelp I threw my arms around his neck, arching my back off the freezing ground and slamming my body into his. Our hips ground together and our chests collided with a hard smack.

Alec groaned at the sharp moment and for a moment it felt like the world titled a bit to the side. My vision went white for a split second before I swallowed, bringing myself down to earth.

"S-sorry," I whispered shakily. Shivering I tried to detangle us, lowering my hips from his, but he wrapped his arm tight around my lower back, holding me perfectly aligned with him. His other arm snaked up my back, holding me hard against him.

He pulled us back into a sitting position. We were so far tangled in each other, I'll never know how we got there. I had no complaints though. Alec's body was warm against my bare skin. I just couldn't get close enough.

I buried my hands in his hair, grasping fistfuls as his nose brushed mine. My eyes were closed as I ducked my head, meaning to catch his lips again, but I met nothing but air. For a second of confusion I opened my eyes and he nuzzled into my neck.

My breath hitched at the unfamiliar feeling. It was all so new, all so strong of a sensation. I couldn't stop, couldn't seem to put on any breaks or throw up any walls. I wanted him, wanted all of him no matter what that entailed.

The pain came out of nowhere, one second it was soft lips and skin brushing the side of my neck and then without warning he bit down. It wasn't a nip or a tease; his teeth were hard and insistent. Heat shot from the pressure and down through my spine and up the back of my skull. I shuddered, pulling his hair so taught it had to have hurt.

He didn't seem to mind as he released his hold and covered the pulsing mark with soft lips and a cool tongue. My breath was coming in broken gasps, his hair sticking to my slick cheek where we brushed.

We shifted as he trailed downward, crossing the hallow of my neck and moving his lips across my shoulder. Keeping one hand buried in his hair I snaked my other arm around his back, pulling him closer.

Everything was blurred, going so fast and so slow at the same time. Our hands were everywhere, grabbing and touching and feeling. His mouth was burning where he trailed across my chest and up my neck. Thankfully, my undignified whimpers and moans were muffled by his hair.

He was at my neck again, arching his back and twisting his neck to accommodate for my shorter frame. Our position wouldn't allow for me to hide in his hair any longer and I didn't dare move for fear of breaking his lips' contact with my skin. His tongue flicked across my jawbone, just beneath my cheek and I shuttered.

Alec's hands shook against my back and he barely contained a moan as my breath stroked his ear. Feeling encouraged I shifted ever so slightly and wrapped my lips around the shell of his ear. His lips paused against my neck as he bit back a sound that sounded like a strangled whimper. Daringly I darted out my tongue, running along the curve. Alec shuttered, digging his nails into my bare back as he nuzzled passively into me.

I felt an odd sense of power. Alec obviously had a weakness for his ears, one that until now had probably been unknown to even himself. He was so submissive now, cuddling into me and letting me do what I wanted to him. It was enticing.

Hands still roaming I moved over his ear, teasing his lobe between my teeth. His moan vibrated through my skin, fueling an already burning fire. I pulled the skin between my lips, tasting it with a flick of my tongue.

And then his hands were on my chest, shoving me hard to the ground with a thud. I gasped as the freezing ground tore at my unprotected skin. My back was going to be covered in scratches when I went to look later. I tried to arch myself away from the sensation as I had before, but Alec slammed his body down into me, forcing me to stay down under his weight.

My gasp turned to a hiss as our hips fit perfectly together. For a second we both paused and our eyes met again. Alec's hair fell in his eyes, half blocking them, but that unnatural blue was unmistakable even in the dim light. His eyes were wide and bright, looking so much different than they did when he was sulking in the corners of the Institute.

I liked it.

Never breaking eye contact he adjusted his position and slowly, painfully slowly, ground himself against me. My eyes flew closed and my head jerked back as I tried to keep myself from thrashing underneath him. He came down on me again, harder and faster this time and I moved to meet him.

The third time I couldn't hold back my moan any longer. Before I could do anything about it Alec had taken advantage of my open mouth and forced his tongue in. There was nothing I could do anymore to stop him; there was nothing in my body that could even comprehend the idea of stopping this.

His one hand was tangled in my hair while the other was grasping my hip, there were going to bruises there tomorrow. We moved and writhed and arched into one another, all the while still trying to kiss until it was little more than moaning and gasping against each other's mouths.

My mind was blank, completely gone in the moment. Not a single thought could make its way through the haze of my senses. It was almost too much.

As horribly harlequin as it sounded, there was a fire inside of me. It had not been acknowledged or dealt with before in my life, not by anyone else, at least. Now with Alec pressed against me, just as sweaty and out of breath as I was, the feeling was unbelievable. It was just so damn hot and good.

I was so wrapped up in my own world that I barely noticed that his hand had released its death grip on my hip. It wasn't until his fingers slid down low on my abdomen that I realized the sudden change. My eyes shot open and I tore my mouth away from his.

Alec's lips moved to my neck, but I wasn't paying much attention. In half a second everything came rushing back to me, what I was doing, with who and where. The fire was still there, still begging for more, but for the first time since we had started, my mind was starting to take more control.

He had undone and unzipped my jeans, pushing his hand down underneath my boxers to rub circles on the sensitive skin. It felt…I couldn't even decide. All of a sudden there were too many feelings all at once. Alec's fingers slid even farther down, brushing across hair. My body arched involuntarily into his touch, begging for him not to stop, but warning bells were going off in my head.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

What was I doing exactly? Well, he had removed my shirt and then we humped like rabbits, the next logical step was the removal of my pants. I wasn't so naïve to have not seen that coming; I had just been a bit too wrapped up in other things to pay any attention to where this was going.

Was I ready for this? Making out, touching and teasing, that was all one thing entirely from where we were headed next. Was I really ready to lose my virginity in a back alley to a guy who cared nothing for me really?

No. Not by any stretch of the imagination was I ready for that.

Finally regaining some control over my body I grasped his forearm, prepared to tell him to stop when the hard reality of the situation hit me.

I couldn't stop him.

He was stronger than me in every sense of the word. I didn't have a chance. And what if he did go through with it, took me against my will? What could I do? He existed outside of our legal system, the government wasn't even aware that there was an Alexander Lightwood. So what if I told Clary, Jace or Isabel? The latter two were unlikely to even believe me and even less likely to care. Clary would be furious, but what could she do? How could I ever tell her, even begin to explain how I got myself into this situation?

It was my own fault and there was nothing I could do about it now.

Swallowing a lump in my throat I squeezed his arm. "Wait, Alec, stop." My words came out strangled and soft, sounding so weak I wished I hadn't said anything at all. If he didn't stop I wasn't going to ask again, I wasn't going to fight it.

In an instant his entire body went rigid and he turned his head to meet my eyes. I couldn't do it though, couldn't look at him. Squeezing my eyes tight I turned away, pressing my check against the ground.

I yelped and flung my arms around myself defensively as he moved quickly off of me, exposing my skin to the cold air. Wide eyed I looked back at Alec, sitting on his knees, panting a few inches away. I could barely make out his eyes, his features were blurry without my glasses but he was horribly tense.

There a pause, both of us staring at one another, reflecting back on what had just happened and then he was standing up. Scrambling, I reached for my clothes, trying to pull my shirt on as I stood up. My hands were shaking as I slid my glasses back into place. Trying to being subtle I looked up under my bangs at Alec.

He had his back turned and was running his fingers through his tousled hair. It hadn't been that messy when we had first come back here. I leaned against the wall, crossing my arms tight across my chest, staring at his back.

Alec shuddered, his entire body racking with a breath, before he turned slowly around to face me. His stance almost mirrored mine; we were the picture of uncomfortable defense.

He said something, though it was hardly a breath.

"What?"

"Are you alright?" His voice was raspy, as if he had been yelling for hours though I knew his voice had been even lower than usual the entire time.

My arms were screaming where I was digging my nails into them, trying to stop my hands from shaking. I opened my mouth but couldn't say anything. I nodded like that had been the plan all along.

He took a step closer and involuntarily I flinched. It was too dark to make out his facial features, but I saw them twitch as he stopped.

"Sorry." He raked a hand through his hair again, looking like he was about to say something else. Then he turned abruptly and started to walk away.

Shocked at his sudden action I found myself following after him. "Wait!"

He stopped and turned his head. "What?"

I felt like I was caught in the headlights. What indeed.

"Umm…" It had to be the most awkward pause of my entire life. Well, you see, I know you hate me and I'm not too fond of you either, and we just almost had sex, (and we would have if you had really wanted to because you have to know you could have just done it and nothing would have happened to you) but now for some inconceivable reason I don't want you to leave me now. I think I'm a masochist. "It's OK."

In the moonlight I saw his eyebrow arch.

"I mean, it was my fault too, you know? You didn't…do anything wrong?" I hadn't meant for it to sound like a question, with the upward inflection at the end.

Humor was my main line of defense. I was usually pretty good at turning a sticky situation around with a joke or a laugh. Tonight, all I found where I usually found humor was a bout of awkward nausea.

He took a deep breath and swallowed. "Yeah, yeah I did." I tried to interject, but he stopped me. "You're not stupid, you know what almost happened." I closed my mouth. He lifted his face to the sky, letting his hair fall back. For a second I thought I saw something glisten in the light on his face, a tear? And then it was gone as he looked back to the ground. "I'm sorry. I'm…" he paused and the corner of his mouth twitched in an unhappy smile "sick."

I was shaking my head, taking a step closer but never letting my fingers loosen their grip on my arm. "No, no you're not. It's fine. It's my fault." Now he was shaking his head, preparing for a rebuttal. I gave him a dry smile. "I think we could play this game all night."

He nodded.

Alec looked so…alone. His shoulders were hunched in and his head bent in what looked like defeat. He looked ashamed and sick and about ready to cry all the while still looking tougher than I could ever hope to.

Steadily, like I was dealing with an animal, I pulled my hand away from my arm and reached out to place it on his shoulder. At the contact his muscles loosened and he shifted into me, though he didn't raise his eyes. Hesitantly I moved closer and he did the same.

His hands brushed my hips and my arms were back around his neck and our noses were brushing all over again. It was more cautious though, so light that we were hardly touching. Our lips were barely parted when they touched and there was no force behind it.

We pulled apart; I could still feel his breath on my face. Our faces were both burning and I was fighting down what had to be the stupidest grin of my life.

Why? Why was this so…good? I couldn't understand any of it and it seemed so much easier not to try to. His smile was genuine, and a bit crooked. I had to admit, it was lovely. Alec was an entirely different person when he was truly happy. He looked younger, more innocent, as if his childhood hadn't been marred by demons, blood and fighting.

"I-"

Whatever he had been about to say was abruptly interrupted.

"Simon!"

We jumped apart just as a shadow rounded the corner, following quickly by Isabel. "Si-Oh there you are!" She quickened her pace. "I have been looking everywhere for you!"

It wasn't until she right between us that she noticed Alec. At once her relief turned to unease. "What are you two doing back here?" Her eyes darted suspiciously to her brother.

"Nothing," Alec assured her, a little too quickly.

Her eyes narrowed and she looked to me. "He didn't do anything to you, did he?"

I bit my lip to hold back a snort. You have no idea. "No, I'm fine."

"I wouldn't let anything happen to him," Alec snapped. My eyes went wide at his tone, it wasn't joking or even exasperated as was expected. Something about the way he said it made me think that he was dead serious. Nothing was going to hurt me as long as Alec was around.

The color which had been so kindly receding from my face all rushed back in a hurry. Alec looked like he hadn't quite meant to say that and from the way he was worrying his lip and the red in his cheeks I assumed he wished he hadn't. I wanted to tell him it was alright or that I really was grateful that he stopped when he didn't have to, but I couldn't with Isabel standing right between us. I settled on giving him what I hoped was a reassuring look.

Isabel turned to look at me, her eyebrows arched high and lips parted in shock. Nervously I cleared my throat.

"Come on Simon, let's go." He turned and brushed past us both as my stomach did an odd sort of summersault. That was the first time he had called me Simon.

I loved it.

I faked a cough, trying to hide my ridiculous grin from Isabel. Taking a breath I moved to follow him and found Isabel staring at me, a small sly smile on her face.

"What?" I tried to sound as nonchalant as I could.

Her smile grew and she gave me a wink as she turned to follow her brother.

"Nice hickey."


End file.
